I will make sure that my children will never have to go through their parents divorce- Sam Carvalo
6 years ago, I met the man of my dreams. Who knew, exactly 6 years into it, we would be in the process of getting divorced. Life has so many obstacles and nothing ever goes as planned, but one thing I know is that when kids are involved, you need to set aside your issues and focus on your children’s happiness.
I was such a happy kid growing up, always with a smile on my face, and always trying make everything and everyone happy. I remember being in middle school when my parents started to separate. I was heart broken. I was and always will be daddy’s little girl, but my parents divorce couldn’t have come at a worse time. I was starting middle school. I was in a new school, making new friends. As if that was not hard enough, I was coming home to a house that love no longer existed, and it was made known.
When my parents divorce was settled, my mom, my sister, and I moved house to house for a while. I found myself constantly moving to different schools. It was hard, to be honest, and I can’t really describe the feeling I had back then. Let’s just say, it felt like I was alone and no one understood me.
When I sit here now and think of my parent’s relationship back then, all I can think about is all of the fighting and all of the yelling. I honestly can’t remember any good memories. As I got older, even after the divorce, my parents would still fight a lot, until my dad just stopped coming around. It sucked. My heart was broken. Eventually, my dad met a woman and started his own life with her. And he started to forget about me.
Every single Hispanic girl can’t wait until she turns 15, and has her father daughter dance. Well, guess what? My dad wasn’t around. Fortunately, my stepdad was, and he is amazing. He has been the greatest person that I could have in my life. But, he wasn’t my real dad. As time has passed, and more occasions have passed, my dad has continued to miss them. Birthday parties, school events, weddings, baby showers, baby births. You name it, he has missed it. Why? Why does my dad not love me? I can’t answer that question, but the only thing that comes to mind is he would rather miss everything of mine, than to be anywhere near my mother. And this is where I as an adult with a child come into play now.
You see, I am now in the same predicament. My husband and I are in the process of separating. However, we are trying our best to set aside any issues we have, so our daughter doesn’t have to ever go through what I went through.
Here are a few things we are doing to make this transition as good as we can:
1. TALK: When we decided it was time to part our ways we sat down and discussed our plan with our daughter. Everything from punishments to bedtimes routines to social events. The main key in life is to communicate and just because we are no longer together, that doesn’t mean communication goes off the grid. If anything, it becomes more important. So talk. Have a conversation with your ex about the expectations.
2. PARTICIPATION: We BOTH participate in activities with our daughter together. For example, this past week was her birthday. We BOTH went to Disney with her and celebrated with our daughter. We also plan to trick or treat together. Our main goal is for her to always know Mommy and Daddy will be on her side. ALWAYS. So make things awkward and do things together as a family. Do dinner once a month as a family, go to the park, do things so your kid can one day grow up and say: Wow, no matter what, my mom and dad were always making time for me- together.
3. FAMILY: Our families will always have their opinions, so this goes back to #1- Communication. If there is an issue with a family member, always communicate it to your ex. No matter what. Any issue is between you and your ex so you need to make sure to “nip it all in the bud” before problems start to arise. I don’t know about your family, but mine always loves to either make a problem out of nothing, or get into my personal business when it isn’t their concern.
4. ARGUMENTS: Keep them away from your kids. Don’t fight in front of them, don’t scream in front of them. If it something you can’t hold back, take it outside. Be grown ups and act like one in front of your kid.
5. LOVE: Last, but not least, LOVE. Show your kid love. Tons of love. That is all they want. Shower them with kisses and hugs. Tell them how much you love them. Be there for them. Show up when you say you will, never miss a game, never miss a dance recital. BE THERE SHOW UP AND LOVE THEM.
I am not a professional, but growing up, I wish my parents did what my ex and I are doing at this very moment. I can only live in the now. Tomorrow we may get remarried or have a significant other, and I hope we will try to continue this way of parenting our daughter.
Was this something that helped you? Do you have any tips to add to these?
Jasandra Hopp https://lifewithafeistycuban.com/blog/